P.S. I give away free books for any comments on the excerpt. Just click here.
Chapter 12 – Criminal
Criminal chapter icon
Sam walked into the office in Chicago Police Headquarters. “Superintendent Howell?”
“Yes. Please call me Gary, Sam.” A big smile creased his brown face below his glasses and bald head.
“Sure, Gary.”
“I’ve prepared a briefing for you. Here are the videos in time order.” Superintendent Howell pushed a button on his computer, and a wall-sized screen lit up, playing a black-and-white security video. A man wearing a ski mask punched a car window, opened the door, and took out a computer bag and a cell phone.
“That was the first crime. Here’s the next.” The same man knocked out a store’s plate-glass window and grabbed a television.
Sam watched all twelve videos with Gary Howell. They all happened late at night, all the break-ins done by the man’s fist. In the last video, taken from a policeman’s body camera, the man was shot, and he stumbled but kept running and vaulted over a six-foot barbed-wire fence, clearing it with a foot to spare.
“Whoa! I can see why zombiism is suspect number one.”
“Yes. We never found the bullets that were shot, and our video analysis show the man was hit in the leg and the back.”
“And then did the Olympic high-jump stunt.”
“Yes. We also analyzed his speed before the jump. Thirty miles per hour.”
“So an Olympic sprinter as well as a jumper. Have you interviewed any decathletes in Chicago?”
If you like these kinds of excerpts, subscribe here, if you haven’t already. As a bonus for signing up for my newsletter, you’ll be able to get codes for free audiobooks. Get yours today!
“Sam, you’re fired.” Lisa’s green eyes met his brown ones.
“What? Lisa, you and I have worked together at the Midley Beacon for ten years! And we’ve known each other for fifteen! And we’ve been married almost two months!”
“Sorry Sam. Romance has to take a back seat to finances. Ever since the bottom dropped out of the zombie turkey news market since the first of the year, the Midley Beacon hasn’t made enough to pay your salary.”
“But that’s our salary. We share and share alike.”
“We can still live on my salary. And you can apply for unemployment, now that you’re fired.”
“But what’ll I do all day? I can only play Fortnight for so long.”
“What did you do before I hired you, ten years ago? What did you do while I was in college?”
“Uh, mow lawns. Handyman repair. Stuff like that. But I’m a grown man now. I want more.”
“Hmm, you are a decent reporter.”
“Thanks Lisa. That’s high praise from you.”
“Well it’s the truth. You’ve grown from a crappy reporter, like 99% of all reporters, to well above average. I did lay off everyone else on the staff before you, you know.”
Free Zombie Detective Excerpt – Part 2
Audiobook cover – click to listen.
“Now, shoo! Don’t forget to clear out your desk.”
“Aw, you’re making me feel warm and mushy.”
“That’s part of good management, emotional manipulation.”
“Uh, you mean you don’t mean it?”
“Nah, I mean it. Emotional manipulation is much more effective if you’re sincere. Say, why don’t you call Andy Zach and see if he has some royalties to share. We signed a contract with him to get half the royalties from his book Zombie Turkeys. We supplied more than half his source material right from the pages of the Midley Beacon.”
“I just called him yesterday. His sales haven’t paid for the cover yet, let alone the editing.”
“I told him to go with traditional publishing!”
“He’d still be trying to get an agent, let alone publishing his book. Who wants to represent a zombie turkey author?”
Lisa Kambacher
“So think of something to do with your reporting and investigative skills. That’s your first job. Get out of here and work on it at home. When I come home tonight, I want a decision from you. That’s a deadline.”
“Ok, Lisa. And thanks. You know I work best under a deadline.”
“Sure dear. We’ll go out for dinner tonight to celebrate your new career, whatever it will be.”
“I’m kind of tired of McDonalds.”
“We’ll spurge. We’ll go to the big city of Peoria. Maybe to the Country Time Buffet.”
“Me too. Now that’s over, let’s talk business. About Maryland.”
“What’s going on, Lisa?”
“After the zombie turkey apocalypse, they kept a flock of wild zombie turkeys for hunters. Maryland’s gotten great tourist trade from that. The recent bad weather on the East Coast has kept the hunters down, and the turkeys are out of control. They’re hunting people in the suburbs of Hagerstown.”
“What can I do about that? That’s a problem for the National Guard. I’m a lover, not a fighter.”
“Yes, I know. The governor, Mary Landis, called me begging for your help. They can’t find the turkeys. I promised her that you’ve got a nose for zombie turkeys and you’ll find their hideouts in no time flat. They’re paying you two thousand per day for this, so don’t screw up. I’ve booked an evening flight to Hagerstown from the Peoria airport at six p.m. That gives you an hour to get there. Starting now.”
You Will Laugh at Zombie Detective Parody! – Part 2
The captain put up a map on the wall-sized video screen. It was dotted with little black symbols and bigger red ones. Looking closely, Sam saw they were miniature turkeys.
“The small black symbols are where we’ve found turkeys. The large red ones are where we fought them. The battles are all on the west side of Hagerstown. And so are all the turkeys we’ve found in the woods.”
Sam walked to the screen and peered closely at the symbols. “Hmmm. Look at the turkey attacks, Captain. Do you see the pattern?”
“It’s kind of a semicircular tangent to Hagerstown. What does that mean?”
“See this attack near Cearfoss Pike? Then this one on Fairview Road? Look how they follow the Conococheague Creek. All these attacks in Fairview Acres—it’s surrounded by a big loop of the creek.”
“So they’re following the creek.”
“Yes. Even zombie turkeys need water. And I’m sure there are lots of trees and brush around it.”
“So much so we haven’t bothered investigating the banks.”
You Will Laugh at Zombie Detective ParodyGet Your Tenth Day of Christmas Gift Keep sending in those pet pics! I’ll send you a free ebook of your choice! More free books below!
Secret Supers in Space audiobook cover. Click to listen.
Secret Supers’ Outer Space Adventure! Secret Supers in Space is my latest book in my teen superhero series. It’s on sale for .99 through January 12th! Grab a copy for yourself and all your friends! They make great gifts for birthdays, the twelfth day of Christmas, or any occasion! Click to get your copy now!
Ace zombie reporter Sam Melvin has been fired–by his wife, Lisa. Their paper, The Midley Beacon, is barely surviving. How will they make ends meet?
Sam decides to give being a detective a try. He advertises his business–but his zombie experience comes with it. All across the country, people bring their zombie problems to Sam. Squirrels? Bulls? Sam’s on the case. But can his experience with zombie turkeys transfer?
Sam finds out in a series of deadly adventures–and so will you when you read this book. See if you can keep from dying from laughter.
Copyright (C) 2025 Andy Zach. All rights reserved.