Tag: Paranormal Privateers

Welcome 2024! Pick Up More Gifts for the 12 Days of Christmas. In this post you can get book excerpts, free, and discounted books for you!

You may be familiar with the 12 days of Christmas song. The actual 12 day festival ran from December 25th to January 6th, also known as Epiphany, when Christians celebrated the appearance of the wise men or magi from the east.

This post covers days seven to twelve.

Days one through six are here: Welcome 2024! Pick Up More Gifts for the 12 Days of Christmas

Here’s the song:

For those who don’t read past the first heading, here’s a free book gift for you. The giveaway only lasts until January 9th, so grab it quickly! Click here.

The Secret Supers are bored out of their minds during summer vacation-until they go to Space Camp. They learn all about the space program, try out moon gravity and zero-g simulations, and practice docking with the International Space Station.

But that’s the easy part. The villains they defeated in the past are back with a diabolical plot that renders the middle schoolers’ superpowers ineffective. Jeremy, Aubrey, Dan, and Kayla face the biggest challenge of their lives. Even if they escape the villains’ clutches, will they survive?

Find out in Secret Supers in Space!

Pick Up More Gifts – Seven Swans a-Swimming

Where do I have seven swans a-swimming in my books? How about seven turkeys? Or more? Check out this excerpt from Zombie Turkeys from Chapter 9 – Chicago. Note the aquarium type chapter icon.

They very cautiously looked in the topmost door. The door opened onto a platform looking down on a large pool full of sea creatures–including a great white shark. A man was there at the edge of the pool, blowing a turkey call. “GOBBLE! GOBBLE!” That was the odd sound Sam had heard. The zombie turkeys responded, “Gobble! Gobble!” and advanced en masse on the man, surrounding him. They seemed mesmerized by the call, staring with red eyes, but quietly marching forward. The man wore a khaki, camouflaged hunting outfit, cammo boots, and a full, bushy beard.

Sam called to him, “Hey you!  You can escape this way!”

He looked at them, “Yeah, I know. I’ve got to kill these buggers.”

“How will you kill them with a turkey caller?”

Pick Up More Gifts – Excerpt Continues

“By getting them into the pool with me. It’s salt water. I’ve already gone through my ammo!” He jumped into the aquarium.

“Noo! ” Lisa gasped.

From the water he called, ” GOBBLE! GOBBLE!” Like lemmings, the massed turkeys moved forward, plopping into the water like feathered, twenty pound Alka Seltzers. The ones behind pressed the others forward. Soon, hundreds upon hundreds of turkeys covered the surface of the water, like a turkey patterned pool cover.

As soon as they were in the salt water, the zombie turkeys lost their red eyes. They swam as well as turkeys normally do; badly. Then the great white shark hit. Gobbling the turkeys three and four at a time, the shark was delighted to have this extra feeding. This food was so fresh and crunchy!

The shark was an automatic eating machine; bite, crunch, swallow, bite crunch, swallow.

This excerpt is gift number two of seven. (After the Secret Supers in Space) Here are three free books in exchange for a review:

That’s five gifts. Two more to come! First, get a free newsletter subscription here: Clickety-click!

Next, get personal with me, Andy Zach! Talk to me! You can reach me on x.com. 

On to more days of Christmas–and gifts!

Pick Up More Gifts – Eight Maids a-Milking

Do I have eight maids a-milking in my writing? Anywhere? Not exactly. I do have eight reporters covering the zombie turkey outbreak for the Midley Beacon and milking it for all it’s worth. This excerpt from Zombie Turkeys, with the Chapter 9 Chicago icon. That’s a turkey caller in the turkey’s mouth. Why? Read and find out.

“I never thought I’d say this, Sam, but I think the story has gotten too big for the Midley Beacon. I’ve added a zombie turkey Twitter feed to our site, but this is way too big for us to be everywhere, even with the six new reporters I’ve hired. I’ve sent one to Bartonville and Peoria, one to Princeville, two to Joliet, one to Tinley Park, and one to Chicago. Chicago alone should have six reporters.”

“Well, let’s go to Chicago then. Three are better than one.”

“I’m with you on that. Lemme give Charlie a call. He’s our guy in Chicago.”  She called Charlie Gomez, one of their new reporters. “Hi Charlie, where are you?”

Pick Up More Gifts – Excerpt Part 2

“I can barely hear you. Oh, keep your head down, then. We’ll cover the loop activity then. Ok, good reporting. Stay alive!  Report daily or more often! Bye.”

“What’s up with Charlie?”

“He’s in the middle of the zombie turkey firefight in Soldiers Field. It’s quite a melee there. Let’s go to the loop.”

How about eight gifts? In addition to the excerpt above, I’ve got seven books available through free audiobook codes:

Pick Up More Gifts – Nine Ladies Dancing

Have I got the excerpt for you! I’ve got twenty or more ladies dancing in this scene from My Undead Mother-in-law.

Frank always got hyped up before an operation, but this one was the strangest he’d ever been on. He’d done his time in Afghanistan and Iraq—that was where he’d lost his leg to an IED. When the marine doctors offered him a chance to get it back through zombie blood, he’d leapt upon it like a duck on a bug. Now he was landing a whole platoon of marines on a superyacht of a criminal, to prepare the landing of more zombies.

Things got stranger. Looking at the helipad as he descended, he saw a crowd of hula-skirt-clad girls—good looking ones too! The crowd resolved itself into a formation: a smiley face! As he landed and brought his weapon to ready, he saw each girl carried a basket of leis.

The Dancing Begins

“Welcome! Welcome!” they chorused in their soprano voices. They ran up to put the leis over his head. He kept them away with the bayonet on his automatic shotgun. Laughing, the nearest ones tossed leis over his gun and over his head. “Aloha Oe” blared in the background on the outdoor speakers as the attractive ladies began to sway in a hula dance en masse.

Yellow flowers decorated his head and his rifle. He felt awkward and a right fool. Already the battle plan was out the window.

“Ladies! Please gather over here!” He followed the contingency plan for if they surrendered.

Giggling, the hundred or so beauties compliantly assembled in the landing circle under the V-22, their hair and grass skirts blowing wildly in the hot rotor wash. After tearing his eyes from their shapely legs, he saw his friend Lieutenant Gerber walk up to him, festooned in leis.

“Not bad duty, eh?”

“Something about this smells.”

“Well, here come the zombie bulls. And turkeys.”

Nine gifts? How about nine discounts for autographed books? These paperbacks are discounted from the Amazon price. Get them here:

Pick Up More Gifts – Featured Items

Zombie Turkeys signed by author

$12.00

My Undead Mother-in-law – Signed by author

$12.00

Paranormal Privateers – Signed by author

$15.00

Zombie Detective – signed by author

$12.00

Oops! Tales of the Zombie Turkey Apocalypse – signed by author

$12.00

Villain’s Vacation signed by author

$7.00

Secret Supers in Space signed by author

$7.00

Secret Supers Signed by author 2

$7.00

The Gospel Medley – autographed copy

$15.00

Welcome 2024 Pick Up More Gifts – Ten Lords a-Leaping

I don’t have ten lords a leaping (I do have several dozen drug lords, though). How about leaping hippos? What, you don’t believe me? Check out this hippo excerpt from Zombie Detective.

“Let me finish with the background. We wanted a fast-growing, healthy strain of pigs. I thought, Wouldn’t it be great if they grew as fast as zombie turkeys?”

“Uh-oh.”

“Right. I created a pig modified with zombie turkey and hippo and mouse DNA.”

“What?” Sam’s stomach clenched.

“I won’t go into all my failures with other combinations. This one worked. I get pigs that grow from piglets to full-grown in four weeks.”

“But what’s the catch?”

“They look like hippos. And they grow only to about one pound.”

“Sounds more like a failure than a success.”

“They do taste like pork. And they reproduce fast enough to make up for their lack of size. But―” Bryce stopped and sighed.

“Tell me the worst.”

“They escaped my lab. They’re infesting the whole building. People keep finding them in the toilets. It’s very upsetting.”

So, these hippos leap and scamper like rats. Aquatic rats. Here’s a drawing of one from the chapter about them.

You want eight more gifts? Get all my excerpts for each of my books!

Zombie Turkey excerpts

Zombie Detective excerpts

My Undead Mother-in-law excerpts

Paranormal Privateer excerpts

Oops! excerpts

Secret Supers Excerpts

Villain’s Vacation Excerpts

Secret Supers in Space Excerpts

Welcome 2024 Pick Up More Gifts – Eleven Pipers Piping

This’ll be a different set of gifts. I love bagpipes. I have a Youtube category of them. So I’ll share my favorite bagpipe videos with you. Eleven of them!

March of Cambreadth

Amazing Grace with more than 200 bagpipes; live in Berlin

they said she couldn’t play BLUES on BAGPIPES…

Scotland the Brave India the Bold (Bagpipes) Official Music Video – The Snake Charmer ft. Poczy

Celtic-Indian Folk Music (Bagpipes & Bhangra) – Frantic Feathers (Toss the feathers)

Through the Fire and Flames (Official Video) – Mia x Ally

Scottish tribal pipes & drums band Clanadonia playing “Ya Bassa” during St Andrew’s Day event 2019

Red Hot Chilli Pipers – Thunderstruck – Wiesbaden 8.11.16

The Badpiper Thunderstruck

Monty Python and the Holy Grail Performed on Flaming Bagpipes and Unicycle in Portland, OR

Welcome 2024 Pick Up More Gifts – Twelve Drummers Drumming

I had so much fun with those eleven bagpipe videos from my Youtube collection, here are twelve drummer videos from my percussion collection!

Harry James and Buddy Rich – Cherokee 1964

” Autumn Leaves ” Chet Baker – Paul Desmond

“The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by Dover Steel Drum Band

best drumline video ever amazing

Joy in the Whirlwind’ for garklein recorder and percussion | by Melika Fitzhugh

TUBA SKINNY Go Craig and Robin go!

Gene Krupa “Sing, Sing, Sing” on The Ed Sullivan Show

Bugle Call Rag – Benny Goodman – 1936

the craziest drum solo ever

Caravan (Ellington) – Drum-Battle Charly Antolini, Wolfram Kellner, Paul Höchstädter, Thilo Wolf

Laurindo Almeida plays One Note Samba

Czardas – Trình tấu Đàn T’Rưng Việt Nam với tác phẩm Phương Tây

Pick Up More Gifts – Don’t Forget Your Free Book–Until January 9th

First an excerpt:

We arrived at the top. “Time to ship out the Supers.” Papa Smith hauled out Aubrey and Jeremy. I unloaded Kayla and Dan. We lined them up on the floor.

“It’d be so easy to eliminate them here.”

“Yes, Loretta, but the consequences will follow us. And there’s no money in it. Think of each of them as a billion dollars.”

“Nice idea, Papa.”

There’s four more gifts with this one!

You can get your free review copy by clicking here.

Get your discounted signed copy by clicking here. Free shipping from the author.

How about a free audiobook or two? Get your Secret Supers in Space by clicking here!! You might as well pick up your free Villain’s Vacation while you’re at it.

If you have any questions or comments for me, leave them here.

Buy any of my books directly from me at my store. Click here.

Or buy them from my Square site. Click here.

Finally, you can go to Amazon and get them.

Welcome 2024! 12 Gifts for the 12 Days of Christmas. I’m author Andy Zach and I’ve got the latest reviews, free, and discounted books for you! Let’s start with the reviews!

You may be familiar with the 12 days of Christmas song. The actual 12 day festival ran from December 25th to January 6th, also known as Epiphany, when Christians celebrated the appearance of the wise men or magi from the east.

Here’s the song:

Welcome 2023 – A Partridge in a Pear Tree

What is my writing is like a Partridge in a Pear Tree? How about a turkey in a tree? This excerpt from Zombie Turkeys.

“Come back for more?  Eat fire and die!”  She sprayed napalm ferociously. It didn’t ignite. The spark ignition failed. Without thinking, she leapt toward the nearest tree, shedding the useless tank with a shrug of her shoulders. In case she needed any additional motivation, the turkeys pecked her butt all the way up.

The turkeys did not give up trying to get her in the tree. They kept flying up and attacking her. She wielded her Bowie knife. That was Rulon’s gift to her. He had it inscribed “To Lashon, from Rulon.” After about ten minutes of fighting them off, her arm was getting tired. She switched to her left arm. She wasn’t particularly dexterous with her left, but she didn’t have to be. Twenty pound turkeys who flew straight at you didn’t require much precision to strike. The most disheartening thing was, she’d stab one through the heart, have it drop fifteen to the ground with a satisfying “Thud!”, and then have it stagger to its feet five minutes later and fly back up fifteen minutes later.

Welcome 2024 – Two Turtledoves

Did you enjoy our free excerpt? Great!

But where can I find two turtledoves in my writing? I don’t have any. But I have two chipmunks from my villain in My Undead Mother-in-law

Hundreds of miles away, Vik Staskas smiled to himself. Nothing like bringing his objects of interest directly into his reach. Vik was not a sentimental man, but he had a fondness for his cyborg chipmunks since they were his first cyborg animals he had created for his Ph.D. A computer chip listened, saw, and transmitted via 4G cell phone network to his cell or the nearest computer screen in his network. While one chipmunk listened above their office, another had chewed a hole in the ceiling and watched them and Lisa’s large computer screen. Vik whimsically named them Alvin and Theodore.

But this free excerpt is not your only gift: Have a free copy of My Undead Mother-in-law! Just click here.

All I ask is that you review the book after you’re done.

And here’s a review for you:
Brad Secrest 61 reviews

November 21, 2023

Great story! This is a hilarious Superhero Zombie bit of fun. All of the characters are fantastic. You’ll fall in love with at least 10 of them. 🙂 Highly recommended for the humorous sci-fi zombie lover.

Welcome 2024 – Three French Hens

I don’t have three French hens for you either. But I have three detectives in my Zombie Detective novel. And they’re in New York City, so that’s like the ‘French Connection’.

Sorry, that’s the best I can do!

Check out the excerpt:

“I’ll have you meet the detectives on the case.” He pressed his comm. “Tammy? Send in Boxer and Poodles.”

“Your detectives are named Boxer and Poodles?”

“Boxer is his real name. Ted Boxer. ‘Poodles’ is a nickname for Penelope Palmer.”

“I’d think she’d go by ‘Penny.’”

“She hates Penny. Don’t ask her why. Wait till you see her.”

The pair entered. Ted Boxer was a smiling, handsome man in his forties with short blond hair combed back from his forehead. Penelope, or Poodles, was half a head taller than Ted, with long legs and arms and curly hair englobing her head in a sphere of ringlets.

“Boxer, Poodles, this is Sam Melvin. I told you he’d be helping.”

“Pleased to meet you, Sam.” Ted pumped his hand vigorously.

“Likewise.”

Sam looked to Poodles. She had an attractive brown face with a serious, almost stern look.

“I don’t do glad-handing. I don’t like people in general.”

“Uh, OK. So I should call you Poodles?”

“That’s my name.” She looked reproachfully at Sam, like he should know better.

Your other two gifts? Get two discounted books for .99 Zombie Turkeys and Secret Supers

Welcome 2024 – Four Calling Birds

I’ve got four calling birds for you–and a lot more.

In Paranormal Privateers, my zombie turkeys have been weaponized by the undead mother-in-law and used–well, you’ll see in the following excerpt.

Looking at Lulu and Sharon, I said, “I’ll take half the animals and go to the left around the main base. You go the other way. Try not to kill anyone unless it’s absolutely necessary. You know how pro-life we are.”

The zombie animals all obeyed human zombies, but not much else. They could follow simple commands: “This way,” “Stop,” “Left,” “Right.” The corgis were the most obedient, the turkeys the least. They knew not to eat people without permission—barely. The bulls followed heel and leg direction like horses—eventually.

The corgis and bulls raced around the compound with us. The zombie turkeys milled outside the walls, eating anyone who sought to flee. As we caught people, I directed them to lay down on the ground and I tied them up with the zip ties I had picked up in the garage. I encountered steady gunfire, but after it proved completely ineffective against us zombies, people just started running. I pursued.

What else do I have for you? How about free audiobooks. Click to get any or all of Zombie Detective, My Undead Mother-in-law, Paranormal Privateers. The offer is good until I run out of free codes for you.

Welcome 2024 – Five Gold Rings!

Do I have five gold rings for you? No, but I have several billion dollars stolen by my criminals in Secret Supers in Space.

Read a little about it in this excerpt:

We arrived at the top. “Time to ship out the Supers.” Papa Smith hauled out Aubrey and Jeremy. I unloaded Kayla and Dan. We lined them up on the floor.

“It’d be so easy to eliminate them here.”

“Yes, Loretta, but the consequences will follow us. And there’s no money in it. Think of each of them as a billion dollars.”

“Nice idea, Papa.”

There’s four more gifts with this one!

You can get your free review copy by clicking here.

Get your discounted signed copy by clicking here. Free shipping from the author.

How about a free audiobook or two? Get your Secret Supers in Space by clicking here!! You might as well pick up your free Villain’s Vacation while you’re at it.

Welcome 2024 – Six Geese a-laying!

You might guess that I don’t have geese a-laying, any number. But I do have zombie turkeys laying eggs. In fact, I have a whole sub-plot devoted to it–int two different books.

Let’s give you the Zombie Turkeys excerpt:

“Approximately one hundred fifty thousand domestic turkeys have gone zombie, and approximately one hundred thousand wild turkeys. The National Turkey Institute has bred zombie turkeys and discovered their growth cycle is vastly accelerated. The eggs hatch faster, the poults grow faster and are dangerous within three weeks. There are an estimated one hundred thousand new zombie turkeys added to the flocks ravaging Illinois since the plague began at the beginning of November.

“Furthermore, not only are the zombie turkeys resistant to damage, and not only do they regenerate quickly, but once regenerated, they are two to three times stronger than normal turkeys.

“Citizens are advised to stay within their homes.  Those with bunkers or air raid shelters should stay in them until further notice. Those on the road to Illinois are advised to stop and return home. The Federal government has stopped all road, sea, and air traffic to Illinois. The US Army, Marines and Air Force are currently conducting operations against the zombie turkeys and expect to eliminate them within a week.

Four more gifts Below

Aside from the free excerpt, you can listen to Zombie Turkeys, Zombie Detective, My Undead Mother-in-law, Paranormal Privateers, and Oops! on Audible for free. Be sure to check out my great voice actors, Phil Blechman and others. There’s a link to Audible by each book cover.

Then we have:

My Undead Mother-in-law

Next is Paranormal Privateers Click to listen

After that, you’ve got Oops! Tales of the Zombie Turkey Apocalypse

Six More Days of Gifts to Come

I’ll make another post for the last twelve days of Christmas by Sunday, January 7th, 2024. I have a lot more gifts and discounts for you!

If you have any questions or comments for me, leaven them here.

Buy any of my books directly from me at my store. Click here.

Or buy them from my Square site. Click here.

Finally, you can go to Amazon and get them.