Tag: book excerpt

Posted on by — 5 Comments

Your Fourteenth Literary Gift of 25 Gifts

Happy Mother's Day

Your Fourteenth Literary Gift of 25 Gifts to Christmas. Author Andy Zach here and today you will laugh!

Why? It’s the My Undead Mother-in-law, Diane Newby, who is here helping a poor cattle farmer in West Peoria. You never knew someone with glowing red eyes could be so entertaining! Your free excerpt is below.

Let me know what you think by clicking here or emailing me at [email protected]. As always, everyone who responds with a comment or email will get a free book from me.

My past gifts to you are here:

If you want to keep track of all my blog posts and get free books you can subscribe to my newsletter by clicking here.

Your Fourteenth Gift: My Undead Mother-in-law

Chapter 2 – West Peoria

Your Fourteenth Literary Gift SciFi Story Fuel My Undead Mother-in-law
My Undead Mother-in-law cover. Click to get yours.

Richard Felix, the owner of Prairie Cattle Farm of West Peoria, surveyed the fifty head of cattle grazing on the hills of his farm in the Kickapoo River Valley on a frosty February morning. A flicker of motion caught his eye to the left.

One of his cows bawled as a long brown body leapt upon the cow’s back, ran toward the head, and savagely ripped off her ear. Dozens more of the animals attacked the cow’s udder and underbelly.

Dumbfounded, Richard stared as the bleeding cow crumpled to her knees. Were those giant weasels? Rats? He couldn’t quite place them, although they seemed familiar. He ran to the barn and grabbed his shotgun. By the time he came back, the cow had been reduced to a bloody skeleton. Its furry attackers were nowhere to be seen.

Shaking, he dialed the Zombie Turkey Hotline with difficulty. He didn’t know who else to call.

“Zombie Turkey Hotline, Sam Melvin here.”

“Help! Something attacked one of my cows and ate it alive!”

“What? Calm down. Tell me the whole story.”

“There’s not much more to tell. I was looking at my cows this morning in the field, and I saw one get attacked by dozens of furry brown somethings.”

“I’ll be right there.” West Peoria was just a half an hour from Midley.

Cow Death

Your Fourteenth Literary Gift My Undead Mother-in-law Audiobook
My Undead Mother-in-law Chapter 2 icon

Sam found Richard in the middle of his field, studying the cow skeleton with another man.

“Hi, I’m Sam Melvin, investigative reporter for the Midley Beacon.“

“Thanks for coming. I’m Richard Felix, the owner of Prairie Cattle Farm. This is Steve Cole, our local animal control officer.”

“Hi. What have you found out?”

“Whatever it was, was amazingly savage. It was like a pack of land piranhas,” Steve said.

“Did you get any footprints?”

“No. Between the churned mud and the frozen ground, I couldn’t find anything identifiable. They were brown furry quadrupeds with sharp teeth, weighing thirty to forty pounds,” Steve said.

“How are you going to catch them?”

“I assume they’re some kind of zombies. No natural animal acts like that. I’ll stake out another cow tonight, surround her with a ring of gasoline, and burn the crap out of them,” Richard said.

The Undead Mother-in-law to the Rescue

Your Fourteenth Literary Gift Happy Mother's Day
Diane Newby, in her natural environment.

“Say, I’ve got an idea,” Sam said.

“What’s that?”

“Mind if I bring a friend who might be able to control these animals?”

“Good luck with that! They’re killers! You see this skeleton? That cow weighed a thousand pounds, and it was reduced to that in two minutes. I wouldn’t want that to happen to your friend.”

“Somehow, I don’t think that’ll happen to her. You see, she’s a zombie, Diane Sydney. She controlled a flock of zombie turkeys last week.”

“Yeah, I think I read something about that. I want her to sign a liability release form if she wants to try anything. I can’t guarantee anyone’s safety on my farm now. You too, Sam, if you stay overnight.”

“OK. Will do.” By this time, dangerous zombie situations no longer fazed Sam.

Sam flew Diane in from Gary on the Midley Beacon’s plane. She arrived at the Peoria International Airport, private aviation, where their plane was based. Sam met her on the cold, dark tarmac. She smiled to the point of wrinkling her red eyes, showing excitement.

Can A Zombie Mother-law-law defeat an unknown zombie?

Your Fourteenth Literary Gift My Undead Mother-in-law back cover
My Undead Mother-in-law back cover, no blurb.

“Hi, Sam! Thanks for flying me in. I’ve never been in one of these single-engine planes before! I’m thrilled you called me! I’m sure I can deal with whatever these zombies are. I’d hate to see another cow lose its life.”

“You know these things stripped a cow to its bones in two minutes?”

“No problem! It’ll take me less than two minutes to assert my dominance.”

“Good luck—you’ll need it.”

“No luck—just good old zombie perseverance!”

Sam adjusted his night-vision goggles, and he, Diane, and Richard took turns watching the poor old bovine staked out in the field, near where the other cow had died, from an outbuilding. As the gray morning dawned, the furry creatures attacked the cow.

“Oh no you don’t!” Diane shouted and sprang into action. She covered the fifty yards to the cow in world-record time, especially over frozen, snowy ground. She grabbed two of the creatures and smashed their heads together with a splat, like two tomatoes bursting. Dozens of them jumped upon her.

The End of Your Fourteenth Literary Gift

Your Fourteenth Literary Gift Funny Novel
Andy Zach’s Tombstone

“Which!” Diane grabbed two more from her back, hanging on with their teeth, and hurled them so hard into the frozen ground they each made a red-lined crater.

“One!” She batted two attacking from the front into an oak tree thirty feet away, where they fell, broken.

“Is!” With her other leg, she kicked one biting her calf. It landed a hundred yards away, breaking the ice on the frozen Kickapoo Creek.

“The!” Diane clapped her hands together on one leaping for her throat. The body collapsed with a spray of blood, coating her from head to toe and spraying twenty feet away.

“Boss!” The remaining creatures cowered before her savagery. There was at least three dozen remaining. They rolled over on their backs, exposing their bellies in submission.

“Oh, aren’t you cute!” Diane exclaimed, wiping blood and gore from her face, cleaning her hands in the snow and petting the nearest animal.

“Why, they’re corgis!” Sam exclaimed. “They are cute—when they’re not eating cows. Even with red eyes.”

What Do You Think of Your Fourteenth Literary Gift?

Your Fourteenth Literary Gift Best August Videos
Zombie corgi butt, from ‘Paranormal Privateers’ now in audiobook

What do you think of your gift? Let me know right here. Don’t forget I’ll give you a free book after I get your email.

If you like My Undead Mother-in-law, you can subscribe to my newsletter here to see all my blog posts and get free books every month. Or you can just stay at my blog, checking back every day until Christmas.

Psst! Audible lets you listen free to my books. Click here to find out how.

Posted on by — 5 Comments

Your Thirteenth Literary Gift of My 25 Gifts to You

Your Thirteenth Literary Gift

Your Thirteenth Literary Gift of My 25 Gifts to you. Hi! I’m author Andy Zach and today’s your lucky day!

It’s not just lucky for you, but also for Sam Melvin, who barely survives his adventures in Zombie Detective. Your free excerpt is below.

Let me know what you think by clicking here or emailing me at [email protected]. As always, everyone who responds with a comment or email will get a free book from me.

My past gifts to you are here:

If you want to keep track of all my blog posts and get free books you can subscribe to my newsletter by clicking here.

Your Thirteenth Gift: Zombie Detective – Sam’s First Case

Thirteenth Literary Gift Kindle Publishing
Sam Melvin, Zombie Detective

An elderly but spry man entered.

“Mr. Haagen?”

“That’s my name—don’t wear it out. Or you can call me Steve. You are . . .”

“Sam Melvin, private investigator. I heard you had some zombie animal here.”        

“Or something. You saw my cows as you came in?”

“Sure.”

“Every night for the past week something has been breaking through my fence, and my cows have been escaping.”

“Wow. Could it simply be your cows getting out?”

“Nope. The fence is broken from outside.”

“Um, try a bigger fence?”

“It’s electrified. I amped up the voltage. Nothing. I put steel fencing behind the wire. Down it came. I even tried cinderblocks behind the steel fencing. Everything was smashed.”

“I guess I’ll have to watch it overnight.”

“Yeah, I thought of that, and then I thought of you, the famous zombie turkey reporter. I didn’t want to try this without your expertise.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“So you’re working as a detective now? A zombie detective?”

“I guess so.”

“Well, detect.”

Sam Melvin Detects

Your Thirteenth Literary Gift

Sam went to the broken fence with Steve. A hundred yards of electric fence wire lay on the ground, pointing toward the barn. The steel fencing was bowed and flattened. The cinderblocks were scattered about like cereal pieces from a toddler’s high chair.

“Whoa, there was some real force used here.”

“I’m glad it’s you who’s investigating.”

“Uh, yeah. What are these tracks all over the ground?”

“My cows. When the fence goes down, they go out. They come back in the same way.”

“They return?”

“Sure. They know where the food is.”

“What’s on the other side of the fence? Who’s property is it?

“It’s my neighbor’s wood lot. We’ve gone through it together, but we haven’t found anything.”

“I hope you were armed.”

“Yup. We read about the zombie turkeys. We had shotguns and flamethrowers. Zombie Burners brand from Amazon.”

“That’ll do it. I’m not sure the shotguns would help. They only slow them down while they regenerate.”

“Heh. I’ve been reading up on zombie turkeys. They’re loaded with rock salt.”

“That’s a new one. I know salt water works on zombie turkeys to kill the bacteria, but I never thought of rock salt.”

“You put a load of rock salt into a zombie turkey and what do you get when it dissolves? Salt water.”

“That might work.”

“We’ll find out tonight.”

That evening, Sam enjoyed a hearty barbecue steak dinner with Steve and his wife, Abby, around their dinner table. They filled in the cracks with corn on the cob and homemade French fries.

“That was a great meal, Steve, Abby. Thanks.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, Sam. Seems we always have plenty of beef around here,” Abby said.

“Sun’s down, Sam. Let’s go on our ‘steakout.’”

Your Thirteenth Literary Gift – The ‘Steak-out’

Your Thirteenth Literary Gift My Undead Mother-in-law Audiobook
My Undead Mother-in-law Chapter 2 icon

“Ha! Did you get the fence back up?”

“Yup. The boys are getting pretty fast at repairing that baby. I even had them mix up a bag of concrete and pour it over the cinderblocks.”

“Would it set that fast?”

“So happens we were laying a new driveway and I got this concrete admixture that hardens it faster. Plus, I had some rebar lying around, and I put that in too.”

“Let’s see if that slows down this thing, whatever it is.”

“You don’t think it was those zombie turkeys?”

“No, there’d be turkey feathers everywhere, and they’d attack your cows.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“I’m afraid some other animal has gone zombie.”

“Uh-oh.”

“Yes. I hope you have your flamethrower.”

“Yep. I’ve got the big one I use to protect the house. I hooked an old well pump to a fifty-five-gallon barrel of napalm. I read about that in the Midley Beacon.”

“Yes, that was from one of the turkey farmers who survived.”

As they settled down in a duck blind to watch the fence from fifty yards away, Sam asked, “Steve, did you have any zombie turkeys out here?”

“Yeah, we got one flock come through before Thanksgiving, but the flamethrower did the trick. I’d say I owe you one, Sam.”

The Attack

They watched the fence in the light of the setting half-moon. Out of the woods galloped a huge shape. Its eyes glowed red. It accelerated and hit the fence head-down. Sparks flew as the electric fence wires snapped. The steel fence slammed into the reinforced cinderblocks. The blocks and the concrete cracked and bent but didn’t break. The steel rebar held.

“What is that?” Sam cried “It’s a zombie something.”

“I think—” Steve was cut off as the thing slammed into the fence again and again, like a horizontal jackhammer. With each blow, chips of concrete and cinder blocks flew yards from the back of the fence, hitting the blind like shrapnel.

“I think it’s going to break through!” Sam said.

The rebar bowed more and more as the concrete and cinderblocks crumbled beneath the massive blows. Then like a spring, a whole section popped out of the gravel that once was solid. The creature followed with a snort and a bellow.

“It’s a bull!”

“A zombie bull!”

Simultaneously, they sprayed the huge bovine with their flamethrowers.

Crazed, dazzled, and maddened by the flames, the bull ran in circles and then fled back to the woods. They could trace its path by the burning underbrush in its wake.

“OK, it’s time to see if this salt buckshot works.” Sam checked the magazine of the shotgun Steve had given him. He found it full and trailed the bull’s fiery tracks, carrying the shotgun.

“It worked on the zombie turkeys, but I don’t know about this bull.”

“There’s only one way to find out. Try it. Maybe we’ll find it sleeping.”

Here Ends Your Thirteenth Literary Gift

Andy Zach Newsletter Zombie Detective Audiobook
Audiobook cover – click to listen.

What do you think of your gift? Let me know right here. Don’t forget I’ll give you a free book after I get your email.

If you like Zombie Dectective, you can subscribe to my newsletter here to see all my blog posts and get free books every month. Or you can just stay at my blog, checking back every day until Christmas.

Psst! Audible lets you listen free to my books. Click here to find out how.