Tag: autographed books

You Will Laugh at Zombie Detective Parody! Enjoy these excerpts as my 10th Day of Christmas gift to you!

What is Zombie Detective? It’s a parody of post-zombie apocalypse books–and a parody of amateur detective books. You get two parodies with one book.

But that’s not all! Zombie Detective is on sale for .99 from January 19th to the 26th.

You can get the print book by clicking here.

Do you want to listen to the audiobook? Click here for Zombie Detective Audiobook Preview.

Finally, I will autograph and send a book if you buy it from me, not an online retailer. Get yours here >>> Clickity.

P.S. I give away free books for any comments on the excerpt. Just click here.

You Will Laugh at Zombie Detective – Excerpt 1

Chapter 1 – Laid Off

From Zombie Detective, by Andy Zach

“Sam, you’re fired.” Lisa’s green eyes met his brown ones.

“What? Lisa, you and I have worked together at the Midley Beacon for ten years! And we’ve known each other for fifteen!  And we’ve been married almost two months!”   

“Sorry Sam. Romance has to take a back seat to finances. Ever since the bottom dropped out of the zombie turkey news market since the first of the year, the Midley Beacon hasn’t made enough to pay your salary.”

“But that’s our salary. We share and share alike.”

“We can still live on my salary. And you can apply for unemployment, now that you’re fired.”  

“But what’ll I do all day? I can only play Fortnight for so long.”

“What did you do before I hired you, ten years ago? What did you do while I was in college?”

“Uh, mow lawns. Handyman repair. Stuff like that. But I’m a grown man now. I want more.”

“Hmm, you are a decent reporter.”

“Thanks Lisa. That’s high praise from you.”

“Well it’s the truth. You’ve grown from a crappy reporter, like 99% of all reporters, to well above average. I did lay off everyone else on the staff before you, you know.”

Free Zombie Detective Excerpt – Part 2

“Now, shoo! Don’t forget to clear out your desk.”

“Aw, you’re making me feel warm and mushy.”

“That’s part of good management, emotional manipulation.”

“Uh, you mean you don’t mean it?”

“Nah, I mean it. Emotional manipulation is much more effective if you’re sincere.  Say, why don’t you call Andy Zach and see if he has some royalties to share. We signed a contract with him to get half the royalties from his book Zombie Turkeys. We supplied more than half his source material right from the pages of the Midley Beacon.”

“I just called him yesterday. His sales haven’t paid for the cover yet, let alone the editing.”

“I told him to go with traditional publishing!”

“He’d still be trying to get an agent, let alone publishing his book. Who wants to represent a zombie turkey author?”

“So think of something to do with your reporting and investigative skills. That’s your first job. Get out of here and work on it at home. When I come home tonight, I want a decision from you. That’s a deadline.”

“Ok, Lisa. And thanks. You know I work best under a deadline.”

“Sure dear. We’ll go out for dinner tonight to celebrate your new career, whatever it will be.”

“I’m kind of tired of McDonalds.”

“We’ll spurge. We’ll go to the big city of Peoria. Maybe to the Country Time Buffet.”

“Wow. Thanks, Lisa.”

Your Will Laught at Zombie Detective – Chapter 3 – Turkeys

“Me too. Now that’s over, let’s talk business. About Maryland.”

“What’s going on, Lisa?”

“After the zombie turkey apocalypse, they kept a flock of wild zombie turkeys for hunters. Maryland’s gotten great tourist trade from that. The recent bad weather on the East Coast has kept the hunters down, and the turkeys are out of control. They’re hunting people in the suburbs of Hagerstown.”

“What can I do about that? That’s a problem for the National Guard. I’m a lover, not a fighter.”

“Yes, I know. The governor, Mary Landis, called me begging for your help. They can’t find the turkeys. I promised her that you’ve got a nose for zombie turkeys and you’ll find their hideouts in no time flat. They’re paying you two thousand per day for this, so don’t screw up. I’ve booked an evening flight to Hagerstown from the Peoria airport at six p.m. That gives you an hour to get there. Starting now.”

Zombie Detective, by Andy Zach

You Will Laugh at Zombie Detective Parody! – Part 2

The captain put up a map on the wall-sized video screen. It was dotted with little black symbols and bigger red ones. Looking closely, Sam saw they were miniature turkeys.

“The small black symbols are where we’ve found turkeys. The large red ones are where we fought them. The battles are all on the west side of Hagerstown. And so are all the turkeys we’ve found in the woods.”

Sam walked to the screen and peered closely at the symbols. “Hmmm. Look at the turkey attacks, Captain. Do you see the pattern?”

“It’s kind of a semicircular tangent to Hagerstown. What does that mean?”

“See this attack near Cearfoss Pike? Then this one on Fairview Road? Look how they follow the Conococheague Creek. All these attacks in Fairview Acres—it’s surrounded by a big loop of the creek.”

“So they’re following the creek.”

“Yes. Even zombie turkeys need water. And I’m sure there are lots of trees and brush around it.”

“So much so we haven’t bothered investigating the banks.”

“That’s where we’ll go then.”

From Zombie Detective, by Andy Zach

You Will Laugh at Zombie Detective – More gifts below!

Thirty-Three Gifts for you!

Here are thirty gifts for the twenty-four days of Advent and the eight days of Christmas–so far!

• Advent Day 1 – Get Your Free Copy of Secret Supers on Advent Day 1
• 2. Advent Day 2 – Grab Villain’s Vacation for 67% Off, For Advent Day 2
• 3. Advent Day 3 –Get Your Free Excepts from Secret Supers in Space – Advent 3
• 4. Advent Day 4 –Three Free Excerpts from Three Secret Supers Books – Advent 4
• 5. Advent Day 5 – Get Your Free Copy of My Most Popular Book–Advent Day 5
• 6. Advent Day 6 – Three Free Zombie Detective Excerpts – Advent 6
• 7. Advent Day 7 –Meet My Undead Mother-in-law My Gift for Advent 7
• 8. Advent Day 8 – Paranormal Privateers Is Your Wildest Ride — Get Your Excerpt
• 9. Advent Day 9 – Oops! You Get Double Gifts for Advent Days 9 and 10 – My Mistake
• 10. Advent Day 10 – Double Posts Double Your Gifts – Advent 10
• 11. Advent Day 11 – Laugh At Four Free Audiobook Excerpts – Advent 11
• 12. Advent Day 12 – Four More Free Audiobook Excerpts for Advent 12
• 13. Advent Day 13 – Your Thirteenth Gift of 25 Gifts – For Advent Day 13
• 14. Advent Day 14 – Get Your Glimpse of the Future – Advent 14
• 15. Advent Day 15 – Get Your Fifteenth Gift of 25 Gifts – For Advent Day 15
• 16. Advent Day 16 – Two Free Books Last Day’s Today – Advent 16

Half of Your Gifts!

• 17. Advent Day 17 – Get Your Free Video Book Excerpt! Advent 17
• 18. Advent Day 18 – Get ANOTHER Free Video Book Excerpt! Advent 18
• 19. Advent Day 19 – Here’s Your Third Free Video Book Excerpt! Advent 19
• 20. Advent Day 20 – Try Your Fourth Free Video Book Excerpt! Advent 20
• 21. Advent Day 21 – Grab Your Fifth Free Video Book Excerpt! Advent 21
• 22. Advent Day 22 – Free Video Book Excerpt of My Undead Mother-in-law! Advent 22
• 23. Advent 23 – Zombie Turkeys Versus My Undead Mother-in-law! Advent 23
• 24 Advent 24 – What Happened Before Jesus Was Born? Advent 24
• 25 The First Day of Christmas – On The First Day of Christmas – I Give You A Jesus Excerpt
• 26 The Second Day of Christmas – Jesus Was Born – Now What?
• 27 3rd Day of Christmas – What Happened After Jesus Was Born?
• 28 4th Day of Christmas – The Best of 2024 – Reviews and More 
• 29 5th Day of Christmas – The Best of 2024 Part 2 – Videos and More
• 30 6th Day of Christmas – The Best of 2024 Part 3 – Videos + Reviews
• 31 7th Day of Christmas – The Best of 2024 Part 4 – Surprising Videos, Reviews
• 32 8th Day of Christmas – It’s Still Christmas – In 2025 – How?
• 33 9th Day of Christmas – Get Your 9th Day of Christmas Gift – A “Spacial Sale”

Claim your free books from me by clicking here! Which ones? Most of them!

That’s the tenth day of Christmas. I’ve got more gifts for you for the final two days of Christmas!

Questions? Comments? Let me know by clicking here or email me at [email protected]

Your 11th Day Gift for Christmas – My Newsletter. This is a copy my today’s newsletter. If you like it, click here to subscribe.

Volume 9,  Number 5

Richard’s cat Aggie

Click to get your 38 FREE Funny Paranormal and Fantasy books! Offer ends January 31st

Your 11th Day Gift

Click to get Secret Supers in Space audiobook for free!

Your 11th Day Gift – What if there were a lake on the moon?

More Gifts Below!

Get 28 Novels on Kindle until January 31st! Hurry!

Ace zombie reporter Sam Melvin has been fired–by his wife, Lisa. Their paper, The Midley Beacon, is barely surviving. How will they make ends meet?

Sam decides to give being a detective a try. He advertises his business–but his zombie experience comes with it. All across the country, people bring their zombie problems to Sam. Squirrels? Bulls? Sam’s on the case. But can his experience with zombie turkeys transfer?

Sam finds out in a series of deadly adventures–and so will you when you read this book. See if you can keep from dying from laughter.

Get your copy of Zombie Detective for .99! Only good January 19th-26th

Click to get Zombie Detective audiobook for free!

The Wicked Witch (Margaret Hamilton) visits Mr. Rogers

Your 11th Day Gift – Look Out Free Books Below!

Get 63 Sci-Fi and Fantasy books! Offer expires January 31st

Maria Von Trapp teaches Julie Andrews to yodel

• Advent Day 1 – Get Your Free Copy of Secret Supers on Advent Day 1
• 2. Advent Day 2 – Grab Villain’s Vacation for 67% Off, For Advent Day 2
• 3. Advent Day 3 –Get Your Free Excepts from Secret Supers in Space – Advent 3
• 4. Advent Day 4 –Three Free Excerpts from Three Secret Supers Books – Advent 4
• 5. Advent Day 5 – Get Your Free Copy of My Most Popular Book–Advent Day 5
• 6. Advent Day 6 – Three Free Zombie Detective Excerpts – Advent 6
• 7. Advent Day 7 –Meet My Undead Mother-in-law My Gift for Advent 7
• 8. Advent Day 8 – Paranormal Privateers Is Your Wildest Ride — Get Your Excerpt
• 9. Advent Day 9 – Oops! You Get Double Gifts for Advent Days 9 and 10 – My Mistake
• 10. Advent Day 10 – Double Posts Double Your Gifts – Advent 10
• 11. Advent Day 11 – Laugh At Four Free Audiobook Excerpts – Advent 11
• 12. Advent Day 12 – Four More Free Audiobook Excerpts for Advent 12
• 13. Advent Day 13 – Your Thirteenth Gift of 25 Gifts – For Advent Day 13
• 14. Advent Day 14 – Get Your Glimpse of the Future – Advent 14
• 15. Advent Day 15 – Get Your Fifteenth Gift of 25 Gifts – For Advent Day 15
• 16. Advent Day 16 – Two Free Books Last Day’s Today – Advent 16

Your 11th Day Gift – Half of Your Gifts!

• 17. Advent Day 17 – Get Your Free Video Book Excerpt! Advent 17
• 18. Advent Day 18 – Get ANOTHER Free Video Book Excerpt! Advent 18
• 19. Advent Day 19 – Here’s Your Third Free Video Book Excerpt! Advent 19
• 20. Advent Day 20 – Try Your Fourth Free Video Book Excerpt! Advent 20
• 21. Advent Day 21 – Grab Your Fifth Free Video Book Excerpt! Advent 21
• 22. Advent Day 22 – Free Video Book Excerpt of My Undead Mother-in-law! Advent 22
• 23. Advent 23 – Zombie Turkeys Versus My Undead Mother-in-law! Advent 23
• 24 Advent 24 – What Happened Before Jesus Was Born? Advent 24
• 25 The First Day of Christmas – On The First Day of Christmas – I Give You A Jesus Excerpt
• 26 The Second Day of Christmas – Jesus Was Born – Now What?
• 27 3rd Day of Christmas – What Happened After Jesus Was Born?
• 28 4th Day of Christmas – The Best of 2024 – Reviews and More 
• 29 5th Day of Christmas – The Best of 2024 Part 2 – Videos and More
• 30 6th Day of Christmas – The Best of 2024 Part 3 – Videos + Reviews
• 31 7th Day of Christmas – The Best of 2024 Part 4 – Surprising Videos, Reviews
• 32 8th Day of Christmas – It’s Still Christmas – In 2025 – How?
• 33 9th Day of Christmas – Get Your 9th Day of Christmas Gift – A “Spacial Sale”
• 34 10th Day of Christmas – You Will Laugh at Zombie Detective Parody
• 35 11th Day of Christmas – This newsletter!

Claim your free books from me by clicking here! Which ones? Most of them!

Alison Balsom – Allegro, from Concerto in D for Trumpet and Organ by J S Bach

Your 11th Day Gift- All My Free Short Stories

One More Thing – Get Your All Your Autographed Books Here!

Your 11th Day Gift

Zombie Turkeys

Zombie Detective

My Undead Mother-in-law

Paranormal Privateers

Secret Supers

Villain’s Vacation

Secret Supers in Space

The Gospel Medley
Click to order your autographed copy! Free shipping! I pay the tax!

Or order from Amazon for more cost, no autograph, and you pay taxes

The Baroque trumpet played by Alison Balsom 

That’s the eleventh day of Christmas and a sample of my newsletter. If you want a link to see it, click here.

If you want this newsletter and free books, click here.

I’ve got one more gift for you for the twelfth day of Christmas tomorrow!

Questions? Comments? Let me know by clicking here or email me at [email protected]

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