But that’s not all! Once you join the newsletter, your email is placed in a monthly drawing for your pick of any of my products: Zombie Turkeys, My Undead Mother-in-law, Zombie Turkeys audio book, and Zombie Turkeys Graphic Novel.
The mother-in-law has landed! That is, her book, My Undead Mother-in-law (M.U.M.) has arrived at Jule Inc. Those who’ve won free books (four) and who’ve picked M.U.M. will get one. Those who haven’t picked a prize yet, contact me, Andy Zach.
Indeedy do! The third book in the Life After Life Chronicles, my humorous zombie books set in our modern society has the working title Paranormal Privateers.
Research topics I covered for the next book were Somali piracy and letters of marque. Did you know the last letter of marque was issued in 1815 for the ship the Grand Turk, to be used against the Barbary pirates? It was never used since the second Barbary pirate war ended.
Color picture of US 16th President Lincoln. He almost issued a letter of marque.
Then later on President Lincoln thought of using them against the Confederacy but didn’t. The Confederacy, however, issued letters of marque against the Union.
Finally, Ron Paul introduced bills for letters of marque against Al-Qaida in 2001 and 2007. In 2010, a Navy lawyer researched the plausibility of letters of marque against modern pirates and concluded it was a good idea.
Andy’s autographed picture
What do you think? Respond in the comments or by email to [email protected].
Origin Story of Zombie Turkeys–where did they come from? How can they be stopped? I tell you all!
But let’s begin with your gift: you can get your free copy of Zombie Turkeys–and some giggles. Click here for yours!
Zombie Turkeys was the first book I wrote and published. I wanted to write something light and funny. I fried a turkey, brought it into the house, and said, “What if this turkey came back to life?” Someone said, “It’d be a zombie turkey.”
“That’s my book title!” So I wrote the book around the title.
When you subscribe to my newsletter, in EVERY newsletter I offer to give away a free ebook copy of Zombie Turkeys. So subscribe, get a newsletter, and grab your book
But that’s not all you’ll get in this blog post.
Origin Story – Zombie Turkeys – Review
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Firstly, where’s this review coming from? Goodreads! S. Policar
If you’ve seen Poultrtgeist: Night of the Chicken Dead or Thankskilling and liked them, you’ll LOVE this. The sarcasm is there, the humor is dark and twisted, and our killer Tom turkey wakes up every day feeling great and ready to see who he can kill in the state of Illinois with his massive flock of wild and domesticated zombie turkeys. I loved this book. The end is a bit predictable given the fact that it’s a series, but its definitely the predictable you’d expect from something like this. I think this book would make a great low budget movie like the two I mentioned earlier; and let’s be realistic, thanksgiving is a pretty much open holiday in the book and movie business.
I give this book 4 of 5 Paws and I look forward to reading the rest of this series.
I loved every gobbling, clucking page of this book. It’s this hilarious and insane story that wonderfully hits all the right zombie outbreak tropes I love, but done with turkeys and thanksgiving themes. SO FUNNY! I could read about heroic turkey farmers making chipper-shredder last stands for just about forever.
The main dude, Mr. Unknown Blogger, was also a very likable and fun main character to ride around with. I loved reading about this bottom-of-the-pile reporter turning his life around even while the hordes of zombie turkeys get worse and worse.
Just writing this review makes me want to read the book again. So much fun.
What a deliciously silly book! If you love zombies and comedy, this zombiedy story is for you. The whole premise of zombie turkeys is just so ludicrous it makes the whole tale funny, no matter how seriously the characters take their roles. Story is suitable for the whole family. Very little blood & guts, no swearing, sweet, innocent romance.
I really enjoyed the main characters, Sam and Lisa, who work for a small newspaper in Illinois. Sam is out for the real story, thoroughly enjoying his investigative reporting. Lisa runs the little newspaper with efficiency and soon she has the entire nation demanding their news reports. Zombie turkeys are a bad problem, for sure, but they have launched this small newspaper right into the big leagues.
I loved all the straight line jokes, like how the turkeys couldn’t possibly outsmart law enforcement or the military. Yet people aren’t thinking like turkeys, let alone zombie turkeys. In order to predict their behavior, one must mindmeld with the zombie turkey!
Then there’s the weapons deployed to eradicate the turkeys – flechettes, flame throwers, big knives, grenades, etc. The story takes every opportunity to poke fun at being over-prepared… for the wrong things. Yet, no one could possibly see zombie turkeys coming, right? The story ends with one final piece of investigative journalism which just might explain where these deadly birds came from. So looking forward to book 2! 5/5 stars.
Let me know what you think by clicking here or emailing me at [email protected]. As always, everyone who responds with a comment or email will get a free book from me.
Zombie Heroes Hired by the President – What is Paranormal Privateers All About?It’s one of my favorite books. It’s my most complex and surprising. So what is it about and why do I like it? I give you a free sample below. It’s in a unique humorous zombie hero genre.
Diane Newby, in her natural environment.
But let’s start at the beginning: My Undead Mother-in-law,introduces the Newbys, a zombie family. The son, Don Newby, shows up in Zombie Turkeys. The family, led by the matriarchal undead mother-in-law Diane Newby, fights for zombie rights and any criminals that cross their paths. It helps that my zombies regenerate from injuries and get stronger each time.
By the end of the book, they’re Zombie Heroes!
This leads to Paranormal Privateers where the President has given them a letter of marquis to fight as privateers on behalf of the United States. They’re given assignments that are too dangerous or sensitive for the US to intervene directly. Like Somalian pirates.
A heavy tread down the stairs announced George Newby. His eyes shone red too, but while Diane was built like a middle-aged woman, George was a classic wide-body. His shoulders filled the stairway. You’d think he was a truck driver or a lineman rather than an accountant.
“Hi, Karen. Hi, Ron,” he rumbled. He hugged his daughter, as if he held a baby bird, and shook my hand without hurting me in his bratwurst fingers. His bright red eyes looked squarely into mine.
“Sharon Windham – tall blonde bodyguard from England. “Her eyes shone bright red under a broad brow, with blonde eyelashes and a square chin. She could be a marble idol from a Greek temple. A zombie goddess”–from Paranormal Privateers
She was a former crime lord bodyguard who switched alliegiance to Diane Newby. Former Crossfit athlete, model, and competitive swimmer.. She deamt of becoming a UN translator. She speaks 11 languages: English, French, German, Norwegian, Swedish, Danish, Chinese, Korean, Arabic, Hebrew, Greek, and Russian. Trained in katana, nunchuks, and naginata.
Darkly beautiful bodyguard from Acapulco Mexico. 5′ 4″ Former cliff diver and rock climber. Former crime lord bodyguard, now protecting Diane Newby. Former MMA fighter and bodybuilder. Trained in katana, nunchuks, and naginata.
I examined my cell methodically. A drainpipe, two inches in diameter. A toilet. A hard bed. A steel door with hinges on the outside. I’d probably need to escape from somewhere other than this cell. Once they established a routine with my interrogation, I’d look for escape routes.
I chuckled to myself. Synthia Smith was my true name, in the sense it matched my birth certificate and other current identification. Before Synthia Smith, I was Rachel Rathbone, and before that Quinella Quincy, and so on, through the alphabet. My earliest memory was a toddler named Betty Botter. I had to be cute and pick pockets. Who knew what my original name was? Changing identities was a standard procedure for me with each new assignment.
This had been my most challenging operation, and I’d almost pulled it off. Those damn zombies! Had I blown up Harrods, the demands for billions in exchange for each national landmark’s safety would have been credible.
They had no idea of the bigger picture—and they wouldn’t get it. My terrorist cover story was completely true, but neither the terrorists nor Scotland Yard knew they were merely a means to an end. It was the truth: total subjugation of the United Kingdom was a reasonable goal for one like me, a child of the world’s greatest criminal.
I knew more about Papa Smith, my ostensible grandfather, than any of my siblings. I think I actually touched his feelings as a loving granddaughter, and I think he shared more with me than with any of his other crime-lord grandchildren. Of course, he might be manipulating me, just as I tried to manipulate him. That was the most reasonable assumption, especially if we were actually related.
What Is Paranormal Privateers All About? – Synthia Smith, Part 2
Regardless, I felt fond of him. When I overthrew him and took over his crime empire, I thought I’d keep him alive. I enjoyed our talks via our secured video line. When he’d shared Sid Boffin’s failure with me, I clapped in delight as he praised me for staying in touch with him. I think that was genuine emotion and not an act. It was hard to tell sometimes.
A motion on the floor caught my eye as I sat on the bed. A cockroach crawled up the drain and onto the floor. Surprising. Usually, Britain kept their prisons pest free. Then another. Then a dozen more. And then, hundreds.
This was not normal cockroach behavior. They did not come into the light in hordes. I sat cross-legged on the bed and watched the swarm with fascination. They climbed the door, walked its steel perimeter, and went back down the drain as others came up.
Curious, I nabbed one using my lightning reflexes. Examining it, I saw a metal dot under its thorax and a narrow tube attached to its abdomen. A pungent, acidic smell came from the tube. I looked back to the door. The acid ate a narrow trench in the door’s perimeter, right where the cockroaches still marched. Near the ceiling light, I saw mist curl away from the door.
Zombie Heroes vs Synthia Smith, Part 3
Modified and controlled cockroaches—like Sid Boffin’s cyborg-controlled animals. I’d read his Ph.D. paper as well as the Midley Beacon‘s declassified reports on his battles with the zombies. Since Sid was dead at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, this could only be one of my siblings or Papa Smith trying to rescue me.
Using my perfect memory of the twists and turns when they’d led me here hooded, counting my steps, and remembering the doors, I was confident I could retrace the route.
The last of the cockroaches marched around the door, leaving its trail of acid. They etched the door perhaps a centimeter deep. Couldn’t be much left.
I knocked on the door. Yes, it felt like a centimeter thick, and it echoed like it was almost cut through. Then someone knocked back, much harder.
“I’m here!” I called. I assumed this was my rescuer.
“Step back,” grated a curious, tinny voice, like it was coming through a small radio.
I stepped away.
CLUMP! CLUMP! Two metallic thunks hit the other side of the door. Then, SKREERK! The door tore off like the lid of a tin of meat.
I didn’t expect what I saw. A male silverback gorilla filled the doorway and the whole hallway beyond. Thick armor covered his body. Casually, he placed the door scrap against the hall.
This series was too easy to binge, I could not stop listening to the audible audiobooks once I started! This author is brilliant, the narrator(s) in all of the Life After Life chronicles books are wonderful, and the storyline was hilarious. At times I shook my head in disbelief and just cracked up at the ridiculousness surrounding this zombie story. My son is 12 and he listened with me at times and enjoyed the humor and different zombie stories as well!
The cover of my third novel Paranormal Privateers. Click to get yours.
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Do you want an autographed book? I’ll mail it directly to you with free shipping and I pay the taxes! Click here to get yours. My shipping may not be the same day, but at least it’s free–for you.
