Meet My Undead Mother-in-law as Your Gift! I’m giving you everything I have about this delightful, middle-aged, zombie woman with anger management issues. This is every excerpt I have on her throughout my eight-year career as a self-published author.
Here’s an info dump on Diane Newby, the undead mother-in-law.
My mother-in-law’s a zombie. And she has anger-management issues. My mother-in-law, Diane Newby, zombified by accident. She still volunteers at her church bake sales and cooks pot roast for her daughter and son-in-law, Ron Yardley. What ticks her off is when people don’t treat her like a normal human being—with glowing red eyes and super strength and speed. And if she doesn’t get her way, look out. She explodes and leaves broken plaster and body parts in her wake. Nothing stops her: not brick walls, the federal government, or middle-aged spread.
But the world’s most powerful criminal plans to control zombies. His only problem with zombies is that they have way too much free will. He has a solution for that. But will it work with Diane Newby? The world is divided into pro-zombie and anti-zombie factions. Battles break out everywhere. Which side will you take? Who will live and who will die? You might not survive this book. But at least you’ll die laughing.
Bill looked up as a man came in—average height, maybe five-nine, medium build, not fat, not skinny, roundish face, hazel eyes, and brown hair. He would be hard to remember. But Bill had known him all his life.
Sam Melvin, the reporter for Midley Beacon, dropped in for his daily chat. Sam and Bill had been friends since elementary school, and they had both stayed around Midley all their lives. Bill, a short, stocky guy with blondish hair, had gone off to school and become a coroner.
Zombie Detective cover
Sam had stayed in Midley after high school, doing odd jobs, until he got on with the Midley Beacon. As a reporter and blogger for a small-town weekly paper, Sam wasn’t especially busy, and he liked to socialize.
Here’s Sam’s view of Lisa Kambacher ten years after high school, when he was working for her as a reporter for the weekly newspaper, The Midley Beacon.
Karen Yardley
“Keep it down,” growled Lisa Kambacher, his boss and the editor of the Midley Beacon, and the only other employee at the small weekly newspaper. “I’m busy editing your crap.”
Sam swiveled his ancient, uncomfortable office chair from his laptop so he faced Lisa. He’d garbage-picked that chair from his neighbor in Midley when he was hired fifteen years ago. Her thin face, framed in brown hair, peered at the computer screen.
Lisa’s dark-brown eyes stared intently at what she was editing. Maybe it was the piece Sam had written about Mrs. Huntington and her award-winning afghans. He hadn’t enjoyed reporting that; he couldn’t imagine she’d like editing it.
After typing up his story and sending it to Lisa for editing, he stared at her.
Because of his good grades, Sam’s high school English teacher had suggested he volunteer for the school paper. He’d gone to the newspaper “office,” a walk-in closet, and had seen a tall, slender girl pounding away on an old IBM PC. She’d looked up sharply, scowled, and said, “What do you want? Do you have a story?”
“Uh, um, I’d like to work for the newspaper.”
“Hmmm. I could use a reporter. Let me test you out. There’s a track meet today after school. Go to it. Get all the winners and losers and their feelings.Our readers care about them.Write it up, and report back to me here by seven p.m.”
“You’ll still be here at that time?” Sam asked incredulously.
“Of course. I’m the editor and head reporter and writer. I’ve got twenty stories to write, and I’ve got to report on the tennis match after school today. I expect you to work just as hard, if you want to stay on.”
“Uh, OK.”
“What’s your name, anyway?”
“Sam Melvin.”
“Sam, I’m Lisa Kambacher. Do what I say, and we’ll get along fine. Cross me, and you’ll regret it for the rest of your life!”
P.S. I give away free books for any comments on the excerpt. Just click here.
Chapter 3 – Turkeys
Sam Melvin, dealing with Zombie Turkeys
“Me too. Now that’s over, let’s talk business. About Maryland.”
“What’s going on, Lisa?”
“After the zombie turkey apocalypse, they kept a flock of wild zombie turkeys for hunters. Maryland’s gotten great tourist trade from that. The recent bad weather on the East Coast has kept the hunters down, and the turkeys are out of control. They’re hunting people in the suburbs of Hagerstown.”
“What can I do about that? That’s a problem for the National Guard. I’m a lover, not a fighter.”
“Yes, I know. The governor, Mary Landis, called me begging for your help. They can’t find the turkeys. I promised her that you’ve got a nose for zombie turkeys and you’ll find their hideouts in no time flat. They’re paying you two thousand per day for this, so don’t screw up. I’ve booked an evening flight to Hagerstown from the Peoria airport at six p.m. That gives you an hour to get there. Starting now.”
The captain put up a map on the wall-sized video screen. It was dotted with little black symbols and bigger red ones. Looking closely, Sam saw they were miniature turkeys.
“The small black symbols are where we’ve found turkeys. The large red ones are where we fought them. The battles are all on the west side of Hagerstown. And so are all the turkeys we’ve found in the woods.”
Sam walked to the screen and peered closely at the symbols. “Hmmm. Look at the turkey attacks, Captain. Do you see the pattern?”
“It’s kind of a semicircular tangent to Hagerstown. What does that mean?”
“See this attack near Cearfoss Pike? Then this one on Fairview Road? Look how they follow the Conococheague Creek. All these attacks in Fairview Acres—it’s surrounded by a big loop of the creek.”
“So they’re following the creek.”
“Yes. Even zombie turkeys need water. And I’m sure there are lots of trees and brush around it.”
“So much so we haven’t bothered investigating the banks.”
After killing hundreds of hibernating turkeys later, they got a comm: “All units proceed to MD-40. Major turkey attack underway in Cearfoss, Maryland.”
“Crap. That’s past their previous attack in Fairview Acres. They’re getting closer to Hagerstown,” Jeff said.
Sam gunned the engine, and they mushed uphill to the access road where the MRAP awaited them. Jimmy trotted behind them. Another MRAP picked up Amy.
Sam drove a quarter-mile into the woods, when the first zombie turkey flew into his face, spurs first. They scratched the tough Plexiglas on his helmet.
“Gobble! Gobble!”
Sam speared the bird on his twelve-inch knife and continued to plow toward the MRAP. Hundreds of turkeys descended from the trees. Sam ran over some, pounding them into the snow. Jeff shot them with his M4 carbine. Sam again gunned the engine as he hit level ground. The flock followed them, pecking at their backs, as they hunkered down on the eight-wheeled vehicle.
Three Free Zombie Detective Excerpts – Part 4
Zombie Turkeys fly to escape to Zombie Turkey hunters
Sam had often thought zombie turkey victims looked like they had been assaulted by hundreds of pickaxes. Now he felt their beaks cut through his parka, slowly bleeding him to death. The cold air congealed his blood quickly. Next to him, Jeff had fixed a bayonet on his M4 carbine and sliced wildly, beating off the turkeys.
He saw the MRAP ahead and sped toward it. The flamethrower shot liquid flame over his head. He felt the heat on his exposed bloody skin.
Weak and faint from blood loss, Sam parked next to the MRAP as the flames shot out overhead. Jeff jumped out and opened the rear of the vehicle. Sam fell off into the soft snow between the vehicles. His last sight before losing consciousness was a huge tom turkey stalking toward him.
“Gobble! Gobble!”
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Andy Zach
Three Free Zombie Detective Excerpts – More gifts below!
Get your Zombie Turkeys here. You get a bushel of laughter with each book.
Get Your Free Copy of My Most Popular Book–and laughter! All of this is on the 5th day of advent. As I count down to Christmas, I’ll give you a gift every day.
What’s my most popular book? By a margin of 2:1 I sold more copies of Zombie Turkeys than any other book.
Why is Zombie Turkeys so popular? Listen to these readers:
I loved every gobbling, clucking page of this book. It’s this hilarious and insane story that wonderfully hits all the right zombie outbreak tropes I love, but done with turkeys and thanksgiving themes. SO FUNNY! I could read about heroic turkey farmers making chipper-shredder last stands for just about forever.
I absolutely enjoyed reading this. The way the author used local cities in central Illinois was terrific. The plot was well written. It was a good fast read.
I am not a zombie fan, but have been known to like turkey especially with stuffing. No seriously, this book is so imaginative and original but I wouldn’t classify it as a novelty book. It is too well written for that. Especially like the author using small towns in central Illinois as sites of the attacks as I am also from central Illinois. This read will put a smile on your face no matter where you live.
OK this was funny, I actually started with volume 2 in this series (My undead mother in law) and all the things that I was missing in the story in the one I started are explained here, its brilliant and very funny XD, one thing that I love about this series, the people reading the book (there’s more than one ^__^) they actually sound like they’re having fun, and that’s twice the fun for us that are listening to the audiobook.
Hilarious
I’ve never laughed so much listening to a zombie story before…but then again I’ve never listened to a book about zombie turkeys before either. Hilariously written and actually has some great characters too. Many cameos as well. Definitely an awesome time listening to this one. Hoping for a sequel!
Funny
What added to the Zombie Turkey situation was the author took the reader through the different towns of Illinois by a reporter working on his big story added great humor to the saga. The reader has to wonder how Mr Zach dreams up these crazy stories but they all seem to work.
Dumb…silly…juvenile…couldn’t put it down
Comfort food for that juvenile part of you that never quite outgrew your comic books. Just forget that it’s preposterous (after all, you were already warned by the title; what did you expect?), and go with the flow…
Get Your Free Copy of My Most Popular Book — Zombie Turkeys
it’s part outrageously funny, bizarre and compelling. A very good and entertaining and riveting story.
Zombie Turkeys 🦃
This was an amazing story. It was very entertaining with many LOL moments. I’m definitely hooked. Can’t wait to listen to the next one.
Deliciously silly book!
What a deliciously silly book! If you love zombies and comedy, this zombiedy story is for you. The whole premise of zombie turkeys is just so ludicrous it makes the whole tale funny, no matter how seriously the characters take their roles. Story is suitable for the whole family. Very little blood & guts, no swearing, sweet, innocent romance.
Dark Humor
This dark comedy combines action and humor set mostly against the back drop of rural Indiana. Sam and his editor Lisa run a small town newspaper,
Get Your Free Copy of My Most Popular Book–Tell Me What You Think!
Let me know what you think by clicking here or emailing me at [email protected]. As always, everyone who responds with a comment or email will get a free book from me.
