Thursday, September 20, my assistant Tori Smith and I arrived at the Red Lion hotel in City Center block of St. Louis. The hotel is a repurposed block of downtown St. Louis, complete with three thirteen-story atriums. The Penned Con convention resided on the lucky thirteenth floor. Gander at these pictures from the outdoor lounge:
What could be more fun than the 3 Fun Links 3 Writing Tips you’ve already read? How about an excerpt from Chapter 5 of Paranormal Privateers?
Here it comes!
Paranormal Privateers Chapter 5 – London
“What’s your situation, Lulu?” I asked.
“I’m using a cutting board as a shield. When the Taser hits it, I cut the wires with my katana.”
“Are they going to rush you? Where are you?”
“I don’t think so. One tried sneaking past me, and I bowled him down by throwing a mixer at him. I’m guarding the exit to the dinnerware room. They can’t leave past me, but I can’t advance. I can’t leave Sharon anyway. How long until you get here?”
“We’ll be there in a couple of minutes.”
“We’ll need about ten more minutes,” said General MacGregor, who was in charge of the backup forces.
“Good! Double backup! Lulu, hang on. We’re bringing in the heavies!” Diane said.
“What do you mean?” MacGregor asked.
“Let’s see if Tasers can stop zombie bulls!” Diane yelled.
“No! You can’t take bulls into Harrods!”
“You shouldn’t have Tasers or C-4 explosives in Crock-Pots in Harrods either!”
“It’s the appropriate response, General.” I tried to calm him.
“Like hell it is! You wait until our backup forces get there!” General MacGregor was losing it. I’d never heard him yell like that.
“There’s no way in hell I’ll leave my friends in danger, General!” Diane yelled back.
I’d never heard Diane swear like that.
“You hold off until we get there! That’s an order!”
Diane snatched off her headset as we pulled up to Harrods entrance on Basil Street. “Tell the general I lost my headset!” she shouted as she ran to open the lorry.
“Diane’s having a communicator problem right now,” I told the general.
“What kind of problem?” he barked.
“It seems to have fallen off her head.”
“Arrgh! Tell her I order her to not enter Harrods with her zombie bulls!”
Paranormal Privateers Chapter 5 – London – Part 2
“Will do, sir,” I said, knowing the orders would not affect her.
Diane, already astride her bull, Whip, led three others on Kevlar reins. “Here’s your bull, Durham, George. I also have Lulu’s bull, Toro, and Sharon’s, Wallstreet.”
“Can’t have too many, I suppose. General MacGregor orders you to not enter Harrods with the bulls, by the way.”
“Bull! He’s got to work through my superior officer, General Figeroa! I know my chain of command!”
“Why don’t you tell him that?” I held out her headset to her.
“I’d better not. He might get him to issue the order! It’s better to get forgiveness than ask permission! Let’s go!”
On Durham, I followed her and the other bulls through the sliding electric doors of the Basil Street Entrance.
“Uh-oh.” Diane perched on her one-ton bull, looking at the narrow, winding stairway to the next floor. “We’d better take the escalator.”
The store had been evacuated by this time. Each bull followed Diane up the escalator, brushing the handholds on each side with their huge chests.
Up one floor, two, then three. The moving stairs didn’t faze the bulls, who negotiated them as nimbly as gymnasts.
We left the escalator on the third floor and raced through the luggage department. The bulls’ horns snagged fine luxury calfskin bags. Festooned by fashion, we raced down a broad hall across the store toward the housewares department. We thundered through the Halcyon Gallery, the exhibit hall where Harrods displayed artworks. Expensive paintings rattled on walls as we rumbled past them, the bulls’ rush randomly depositing expensive leather goods everywhere.
We saw Lulu and Sharon crouching outside a doorway labeled Entertaining at Home. Lightning bolts flashed through the archway.
Whoa! I thought. That was no Taser. That was artificial lightning! It was entertaining, I supposed.
Paranormal Privateers Chapter 5 – London – Part 3
“I’ve brought your bulls! Jump on!” Diane yelled. She charged directly into the lightning.
Her sheer audacity saved her. The giant Taser’s first shot missed her, singeing the bull’s tail off. The pain drove the bull into an all-out sprint. The terrorists behind the Taser saw the two-thousand-pound bull ten feet from them and dove aside. The bull lowered his head and smashed the Taser with an explosion of sparks.
Diane put the bull into an emergency four-footed stop. He skidded, tearing up the carpeting with his hooves and knocking aside heavy, expensive Italian furniture, like Styrofoam blocks. Diane wrenched Whip’s head and body around to get back to the terrorists, but I picked up one by the nape of his neck and Lulu picked up the other.
“Where is your boss?” Diane asked.
He spoke something unintelligible in Arabic.
“That’s not really credible, that you worked as a clerk in Harrods and don’t speak English.” I shook him. I intended to shake until he changed to English.
Then Sharon said something in Arabic.
“I’ll talk! I’ll talk! Don’t turn me into a zombie!” he screamed, hanging from my hand.
“Our boss is defending his position in the Cook Shop, the next room over!” squealed the other one, held aloft by one of Lulu’s arms. Her other arm held her razor-sharp katana at his throat.
“We know where he is now. Follow me!” Diane reared her snorting bull and charged into the next room.
We followed while Lulu tied up the terrorists using zip ties.
Paranormal Privateers Chapter 5 – London – Part 4
The next room held beautiful displays of fine china in glass cases. There were also complete dining room settings of Wedgewood china and crystal. Unfortunately, the interior designers had not planned for four one-ton bulls charging through the store.
The bulls made the aisles of china accommodate their long horns by swinging their heads back and forth. The glass cases and their precious contents flew backward like KOed fighters. Glass and china alike dissolved into fragments, covering the floor in a random mosaic.
The heavy hardwood dining tables had no greater luck against the rampaging bulls’ torsos. Tables and chairs flipped over like cardboard. Oak and cherry splinters joined the glass puzzle pieces on the floor. Champagne flutes flew high into the air like little glass rockets. Sadly, they had no reentry vehicle. Vintage china plates soared like flying saucers and then landed and split into broken wedges like pie pieces.
People’s lives are more important than a few thousand dollars of dishes and furniture, I thought as Durham ran over the luxurious rubble.
Then a Crock-Pot zoomed at Diane and Whip from the far wall of the room. It exploded into fragments, shredding Diane and the bull. Covered in blood and stunned, Diane managed to shout at the assailant, “Now you’ve done it! Now, you’ve got me REALLY mad!”
Shaking their heads and spraying blood like two sprinklers, Diane and Whip charged down an aisle of Aga ovens toward their attacker. With a stupendous flash of light and heat, one of the large ovens exploded. The concussion knocked me off Durham, hurling us both back into the broken dining merchandise. I had a midair glimpse of seeing Sharon and Wallstreet flying through the air next to me in an oddly graceful ballet. Then everything went black.
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Okay, so it is pretty much the same formula and tropes that we’ve seen before. Science experiment gone wrong, and it causes humans/animals to go rabid and tear apart everything. Amidst all that we have everyday individuals caught in the zombie wave, fighting and holding on to dear life, and the strife brings together people from different walks of life and bonds them together. New alliances are formed, camaraderie and sportsmanship (literally) are bought to the forefront. We find out that the world is indeed a great place and people are essentially good.
Now in this novel it’s turkeys that underwent zombification. Don’t know why Andy choose Turkeys, then again, why the hell not?? Now, read everything in the previous paragraph as a satire or with a comedic tone and you get a novel that is a laughter riot from start to finish. If you take this novel seriously then seriously there is something wrong with you. I’m sure of one thing, Andy must have really enjoyed writing this one, cause I really enjoyed reading it.
Plot Summary:
So there is a turkey infection outbreak across the United States. The result is that the turkeys kind of become like Wolverine, you can cut or shoot or slash or skewer but like good old Wolvie, the turkeys heal themselves and keep on marching. Hell, turkeys kept inside freezers come back to life and start growing feathers and other accessories. They peck to death humans and other predators, overwhelming them by sheer numbers. If this were a movie I would put this in the posters –
“The last thing you hear before being pecked to death is Gobble Gobble “
Anyway back to the plot, as always we need a hero and that role is done by Sam Melvin reporter for a local newspaper. He is the first one to report the zombie turkey attacks and thus the popularity of their newspaper skyrockets. His boss, Lisa who used to see him as an underachiever falls for him and they develop a relationship. They capitalize on the whole outbreak scenario and provide reports and videos of turkey attacks, people who survived the attacks and other info, on how to fight the turkeys and what precautions need to be taken.
I was hooked on to the stadium scene where a flock of more than 100,000 turkeys descended to the field while a football match was in progress. This was by far the funniest and most interesting of all the zombie battles. Fans from both teams and the players started chopping up turkeys and singing the Thanksgiving song.
Bonus: The Obamas show up in the novel. If that doesn’t pique your interest I don’t know what will.
By the end of the novel it is implied that the experiment that caused the turkeys to go zombie mode had impacted other animals as well – squirrels, rabbits, bulls and finally humans – technically actual zombies. Hooray!! Which also explains the title – “Life after Life Chronicles Part 1″. What I liked about the novel apart from the comedic aspects is Andy’s writing that sometimes makes us wonder if we are actually reading a satirical novel. As ludicrous as it seems, occasionally we are left to seek out the humor as, when people die by turkeys (Lol) the description takes on a serious tone. Don’t worry, it isn’t that depressing, the humor marches it’s way back in, in the next line or paragraph.
So we have sequels to this and part 2 of the series is called – “My Undead Mother-in-law“.
I wish all the very best for Andy and his zombie horde of characters. Keep writing!!
Get Your Zombie Turkeys Laughter – Right Now!
With no further ado, here’s your first excerpt:
Do You Want More Zombie Turkeys Laughter? Have Another Excerpt
Just when you think it can’t get better, here’s more.
